February 22nd 2026: Starting to rebuild internally
It’s the 22nd of February 2026 at 7:05 am and I’m sitting in the basement at my desk trying to decide what to write about. How do I constantly freeze up when it’s time to write? This seems to be a common theme in my writing recently which is probably part of what has lead to my lack of consistency. In the back of my mind I think I know what’s really going on but I am afraid of the vulnerability required to face my issue.
The harder something is, the more important it is for you to do it. At least when it comes to growth and self-understanding. This isn’t what I want to write about, but over the last year of trying to become consistent with writing, this is what keeps surfacing. I’ve been struggling with this for years and hopefully funneling this experience into writing will be a healthy outlet and an effective way of organizing my thoughts. I have to get past this barrier before I can write freely and in some part, live freely.
Here it goes.
Since getting sober, I have lost confidence and understanding in my identity. Not necessarily because of the sobriety. At first that was a huge hole in my personality and it lead to the loss of a lot of what I considered friendships. I was not a good person when I was fucked up and I think I have mostly healed from that realization over the last 1993 days. I have spent a lot time reflecting on the worst of my actions and words (at least that I remember) and seeking forgiveness from others. Harder still is giving myself the grace of forgiveness and allowing that shame to become the fuel that I can use to grow and become the man I want to be. The context of my worst has allowed me to better understand what being my best truly is.
Despite not knowing the answers in full, I at least have a starting point to begin to build off of and am proud to say that I have already intuitively taken some of these steps, even if somewhat shakily. More than knowing who I want to be, I know who I do not want to be. I do not want to be someone that causes pain or sadness or fear. I do not want to be someone that others feel the need to be guarded or embarrassed around. I do not want to be the reason that anyone feels nervous or shuttered. I do not want to be the cause of bad memories or bad times. I have been these things and I do not want to be them ever again.
I wish I could quote the source of the following piece of wisdom, however I honestly can’t remember where I heard it. If I do I will add it here ( ) and I am paraphrasing. “If you want to be something, act like someone who is that thing. If you want to be a writer, act like someone that writes”. This changed my perspective in a meaningful way the same way “even a marathon is taken one step at a time” did because what it allowed me to do is dismantle the gate between me and who I want to be. What do you think a writer does? Write everyday? Then if you want to be a writer act like a writer.
I know who I don’t want to be, and on some level who I want to grow into but as a starting point I will land here. Kind, compassionate, nurturing. Be the person I needed when I was at my lowest. This is my outward framework. This is the foundation on which I think all actions towards others should be set.
Internally I will start with grace. I l am working towards forgiving myself in the name of growth but I also need to allow myself to express and create freely and imperfectly or I will live in my loop of perfectionism and procrastination. I used to never care what anyone thought, I thrived on the criticism and looks of disapproval I would get with my ripped patchwork pants and big blue mohawk, safety pin through my eyebrow.
So why now do I have this fear attached to free and vulnerable expression? I suppose that is part of the work I need to do in understanding who I am. So I will live my life practicing grace, I think that will bring me peace.
I am not perfect but I will keep getting better.