Reflecting on Perfectionism
I am sitting on my little wooden stool in front of the wood stove getting the fire going. It’s five thirty in the morning and as I sip on my first cup of coffee, absorbing the heat from the fire, I exhale into a relaxed posture. Even though I haven’t worked a single Saturday since we moved and I started this new job, this Saturday feels like a reset. This will be my first Saturday in eight weeks that isn’t my only day off. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem working the overtime, I love my job and being on call is part of life as a plow driver in the winter, but it’s tough to fully release and recharge when you’re always expecting to to get the call. That also leaves very little chill time considering the amount of work that goes into caring for animals and fixing up a new home while maintaining a loving marriage. No complaints, just facts.
So here I am, hands warming on a hot mug, watching the flames grow in my stove, and for the first time in a long time, my mind feels calm. I know that my mind is calm because Jingle Bells plays low in the back of my mind. Doesn’t matter what time of year, even in the sweltering humid heat of August, when my mind is empty and calm, it defaults to Christmas Carols. As my Dad would say “Shit doesn’t happen, it just is”. Ever since I’ve become aware of what these jolly tunes indicate, they don’t last as long. The process looks something like this:
- Calm sets in
- Mind and body relax, tension dissipates
- Christmas Carols start (usually I notice because I am humming)
- I think “feels good to feel at ease”
- Then “What am I always so wound up about?”
- Start listing things that aren’t conducive will Christmas Carol mind
It’s not even that I am always in a state of high anxiety or panic, though sometimes I am, but even just knowing that there are things that need to get done or that I want to get done sets me into “No Chill Allowed Mode” which I find has its benefits as much as its downfalls. Sometimes I know that what my body and mind needs is to just take a break and reset and I can’t because there’s just too many necessary tasks, anything from: I should bring up more firewood to I need to fix the winch cable on the UTV before we get so much snow that I can’t get out of the driveway until I plow it. When all these tasks are done or accounted for then it becomes: I should be writing or at least editing and organizing my notes/ videos/ plans whatever. So I guess right now I am trying to work on being able to shut off, because when I force relaxation without shutting off, it tends to lead to distraction and disassociation. I sit there and try to read but I can’t stop thinking, so I pull out my phone and doom scroll, I need constant external stimulation to keep my mind occupied to avoid the guilt of not doing. It’s like a cycle where I’m both not actually relaxing and recharging but I’m also just reinforcing the stress of the task list which starts to burn me out, resulting in an increased need for rest.
The fire doesn’t take long to get going, there was a decent bed of coals left over from last night. Even though it is a small win, it counts. It’s not even six o’clock and I have already scored a handful of easy wins: Fire is going, coffee is made, Ripley has been out, the cat’s have been fed. These small wins stack together enough that I have earned some more Christmas Carol time.
Now I walk back into the kitchen to grab another coffee, the kitchen is warm and cozy since we took out the upper cabinets on either side of the window. It opens up the space quite a bit. We also re-did the walls in an oiled birch ply, added some open shelving that Daniela stylized beautifully, and painting the remaining cabinets a soft sage that really works with the natural wood tones. The kitchen is mostly done, just a few minor finishing touches remain, but fuck it looks good. Like really good. Like good enough that I’m almost shocked. How did we pull this off? I’ll tell you how – we just fucking did it.
Sure, ever since we first saw the listing for the house Daniela knew she wanted to change the kitchen up. Yes, after we moved in and lived there for a time we knew that we needed to open up the space and paint (I was admittedly relatively lax about the change compared to Daniela who was very adamant). Yes we would look at paint swatches here and there for fun thinking about the vibe we wanted. When it came down to it though, what happened was, we were sitting in the living room on a Saturday morning much like this one, enjoying a coffee by the fire together. It was barely six in the morning, we started talking about doing the kitchen – “When will we have time? How should we start?” you know the questions. I look over at Daniela and say “Fuck it let’s just tear those Cabinets off right now and see what happens”. Her eyes lit up, I think she tried to contain the smile that eagerly spread across her face, but it was in vain. “Should we?” She asked. “Yup”. Within fifteen minutes the cabinets were down, the shitty plastic back splash was off and we were making a list for the hardware store. We spent a few days where all of our spare time went to this project and it worked out so well.
Now sitting by the fire again with a fresh coffee, leaning against the wall under the window staring into the kitchen smiling, I reflected, this felt like a moment of growth for me. The reason the kitchen worked out so well, beyond Daniela’s immaculate vision, beyond how well we work as a team – dividing and conquering according to our strengths, beyond the hard work we put in… The reason that the kitchen turned out so great I think really boils down to the fact that we didn’t overthink it, we didn’t plan our selves into next year, we just got up and fucking started with a half baked plan and worked out problems as they arose. This is a huge hurdle for me personally, I tend to procrastinate through perfectionism which manifests as over-planning and results often in me not really doing many of the things I want to.
I can hear footsteps above me as Daniela gets up and makes her way down the stairs. I feel very fortunate to have a partner that, without even trying, helps me break through my personal barriers so I can be the person I want to be. What a good fucking day.